This is a very common issue for those of us from backgrounds of drama, trauma and dysfunction.
We want help but – don’t really want help because too often “help” is someone else deciding what is “wrong” and what THEY think we need to do.
On the other hand – no matter what others suggest we will often find a reason why it won’t work….
We’ve already “tried everything”…
We already “know that”…
There is no way we could “do that”…
We feel stuck and struggle with the idea’s that “no one will help me”, we just don’t “have time” or “I don’t have the money”.
It’s often difficult for us to focus on one thing and find one solution.
There is often the underlying idea that everything has to be better “now”.
Then there’s the issue of those of us who will say yes but then not take the action and sort of fade into the night….
And for those of us who struggle with this, life can seem so horribly unfair, always difficult, never easy.
Very often we are constantly seeking advice, looking for someone to “help” us but then…
We are frozen and unable to take the necessary steps to achieve the changes we want in our life.
This – is a very common issue for many people but particularly for those from backgrounds of drama, trauma and dysfunction.
We wake each day with the intention that “today will be different”.
We read lots of books, join lots of groups, often have many appointments as we seek out professional helpers who seem to never be able to help us.
We may feel frustrated, angry, hopeless, helpless and ashamed.
We often have big dreams and grand ideas that never seem to come about.
On the other end of the spectrum we may feel as though we have all the answers.
Often we feel we give great “advice”. We can come up with the answers – for everyone else…
Yet we struggle ourselves to solve our own seemingly never ending problems, living in a well worn cycle of feast or famine; life is all good or all bad.
Balance is often a foreign concept to us.
Each of these scenarios indicates a struggle with being able to move oneself forward.
Very often there is a feeling of “spinning” or feeling “stuck”.
When we look back over the year we are often in the same or similar place as we were the year before; there is no real sense of forward progress, even to the smallest degree.
There is the “want” for something different but we are so caught up in looking for a quick fix that we are unable to actually engage in the actions required to create the change we are seeking.
The idea of making a decision about what we want, figuring out what it will take for us to have what we want and then being able to do the work to make it happen…seems overwhelming or even unfathomable when we lack the life experiences to support knowing how to create change.
Often we talk about wanting things to be different yet when things start to change will dig our heels in to resist it and get things back to “normal”.
How do I know this?
Because this was me.
The path to freedom from this pattern is to learn to recognize our self sabotaging behaviors and – connect those behaviors back to the feelings of fear and shame where we were criticized and punished for trying to do things on our own or for trying to stand up to those who wounded us.
A few examples of the types of things we do to avoid “failing” that help keep us stuck:
- zoning out
- dependence on others to “take care of us”
Just as a horse whose spirit has been broken by beatings we can be broken by constant and chronic criticisms.
The healing comes when we learn to recognize this is the case and are willing to “go through” the discomfort that comes with taking the actions we need to take to have the life we want to have.
Give yourself “permission” to learn to overcome these feelings of overwhelm by:
- Try to stop seeking new information and answers and “do” the things you already know to do.
- Choose ONE thing that you’d like to be different in your life and take that action.
- If you don’t know what to do sit with that – and ask the universe – your inner wisdom – “what now” instead of “what next”?
Then with time and practice as we learn to make EACH DAY a picture of our “best life” we will soon see that we are living our best life; that it was there all along waiting for us to step into it.
This journey is not about “arriving” but about putting one foot in front of the other, every day, over and over and over.
It’s a common fallacy of trauma survivors to think that something is “wrong” with them if they don’t just wake up one day and are “all better”.
It’s not at all about being perfect but knowing and loving ourselves as we are and learning to be ok with growing instead to thinking we shouldn’t be struggling.
Whats been your “thing”?
What is ONE THING that you’ve been wanting to change but have been unable to “do” the actions necessary to have something different?
What ways do you recognize your own self sabotage?
What is ONE THING you could actively “do” to do things differently?