This is a touchy subject, especially for the Walking Wounded.
And for years I felt probably similar to many others.
I hated, despised and was disgusted by those who had harmed me physically, sexually, emotionally and psychologically.
I was enraged at the realization that first my family could wound me than those I’d sought help from could wound me again.
They were all people trusted with my soul.
Parents, siblings, distant family members; cousins and uncles who violated my body, my mind, stole my soul and made sure that I would struggle to see myself as more than what they told me I could be…
Therapists, mental health providers, who told me my trauma didn’t matter, that PTSd is a disease and symptoms were to be managed with toxic drugs “for life” – that devastated my life and disabled me for more than 20 years as I fought to reclaim my brain and my health in extended drug withdrawal…
Physicians of varying specialties – all who swore to do no harm but ultimately took my life and my health that still to this day I am struggling to overcome what they did to my body. (Read more here about the outcome of this).
So, you see, as I write this I get it.
I understand the voracious, vicious hatred of those who have harmed me.
I lived in and with that hatred for years – and to be honest – can go back there any time I choose.
And I do choose, every once in awhile to allow myself to feel the feelings of having the last 25 years of my life taken from me by “health care professionals” and family members who beat me down to such a point that I was afraid to leave my home because I felt so worthless.
But – I no longer choose to live there.
In my journey of seeking out “helpful help” I’ve stumbled across a lot of resources that were not so helpful. Most all of these resources operate from the same power and control/I’m better than you mindset as they focus on “others” as the source of pain of their members.
Many pages, groups, books, therapists and Coaches will focus on the “jerks”, the “assholes” the “manipulators, narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, enablers, co dependents” that cause pain to themselves and others.
The conversations often revolve around how someone has been harmed by this narcissist/psychopath/jerk/asshole/bitch.
There is lots and lots of information on “recognizing the narcissist” and “eliminating toxic people from your life” or “co dependents”, “addicts” and “character defects”.
And yes. Those who have been hurt have a strong need for justice or creating the idea of justice with lots of fist bumping and slapping each other on the back as they vent their (justified) frustration and anger at those who harmed them.
Seriously – search “narcissist” or “narcissistic mother” on Facebook or Google and you can come up with literally millions of links to books, groups and forums dedicated to lambasting these individuals as unsalvageable monsters.
But really – by abusing the abusers we are simply assuring they will never get the help that will set them free from their denial and compulsion to control and create chaos.
And – ultimately, those of us who have been harmed by the trauma/drama and dysfunction of these family backgrounds – become abusers ourselves as we do as they do, treat them as they treated us and justify the way we talk to them and treat them because we were their victims first.
Compassion and healing is for everyone, not just those who are today’s victims but those who are today’s perpetrators and yesterdays victims. Blaming and shaming never heals.
Abusing the abusers never stops the abuse it serves only to allow today’s victims to justify their own abusive tactics as “survivors”.
When survivors can recognize their role as a perpetrator of pain and we refuse to partake in the demonizing of those who hurt us and others is when compassion becomes the cure.
We can separate our anger at what happened to us and choose to protect ourselves without having to harm others.
Please note: this is NOT an endorsement or support of abusers and perpetrators but an call to awaken to the idea that we can’t heal the world by hurting those who hurt us. The pain of CSA, physical abuse, parental neglect and all the rest is real although focusing on what they did to us vs how what they did to us impacted us is like rubbing salt in an open wound or picking the scab off a healing wound that is never allowed to truly heal.
We heal the world by learning how to heal ourselves, not being encouraged to hurt those who hurt us.